程序人生

IT人表示屁股上还得纹一个</body> , 要不中间来个hello world!

真正的程序员喜欢兼卖爆米花,他们利用CPU散发出的热量做爆米花,可以根据米花
爆裂的速度听出正在运行什么程序。

十年生死两茫茫,写程序,到天亮。
千行代码,Bug何处藏。
纵使上线又怎样,朝令改,夕断肠。
领导每天新想法,天天改,日日忙。
相顾无言,惟有泪千行。
每晚灯火阑珊处,夜难寐,又加班。

老婆给当程序员的老公打电话:“下班顺路买三个包子带回来,如果看到卖西瓜的,买一个。”
当晚,程序员老公手捧一个包子进了家门。。。
老婆怒道:“你怎么就买了一个包子?!”
老公答曰:“因为看到了卖西瓜的。”

程序员爱情观:爱情就是死循环,一旦执行就陷进去了;
爱上一个人,就是内存泄漏–你永远释放不了;
真正爱上一个人的时候,那就是常量限定,永远不会改变;
女朋友就是私有变量,只有我这个类才能调用;
情人就是指针用的时候一定要注意,要不然就带来巨大的灾难。

某程序员对书法十分感兴趣,退休后决定在这方面有所建树。
于是花重金购买了上等的文房四宝。
一日,饭后突生雅兴,一番磨墨拟纸,并点上了上好的檀香,颇有王羲之风范,又具颜真卿气势,
定神片刻,泼墨挥毫,郑重地写下一行字:hello world.

一个程序员在海滨游泳时溺水身亡。
当时海滩上有许多救生员,救生员们只听见有人大声喊“F1!”“F1!”,谁都不知道“F1”究竟是什么意思。

你能让一个程序员一天到晚呆在淋浴房里吗?
给他一瓶洗发香波,上面写着:
for(;;)
{
涂抹香波;
温水冲洗;
}

打,打,打劫
一女黑夜遇抢劫,颤抖曰:“大哥,我是搞java的,两个月没发工资了,还刚被裁员,你看报道就知道了,真的没有钱… …”
劫匪听后竟然痛哭流涕,“妹子,同行,俺原来是做C++的,金融危机闹得做劫匪也
不踏实,你拿好工牌,后面那帮抢劫是做.NET的,你放心,我们绝不抢自己人。”
“对了,边上那条路不要走,那边是搞PHP的… …”

有一个物理学家,工程师和一个程序员驾驶着一辆汽车行驶在阿尔卑斯山脉上,在下山的时候,
忽然,汽车的刹车失灵了,汽车无法控制地向下冲去,眼看前面就是一个悬崖峭壁,
但是很幸运的是在这个悬崖的前面有一些小树让他们的汽车停了下来,而没有掉下
山去。三个惊魂未定地从车里爬了出来。
物理学家说,“我觉得我们应该建立一个模型来模拟在下山过程中刹车片在高温情况下失灵的情形”。
工程师说,“我在车的后备厢来有个扳手,要不我们把车拆开看看到底是什么原因”。
程序员说,“为什么我们不找个相同的车再来一次以重现这个问题呢?”

有一个小伙子在一个办公大楼的门口抽着烟,一个妇女路过他身边,并对他说,
“你知道不知道这个东西会危害你的健康?我是说,你有没有注意到香烟盒上的那个警告(Warning)?”
小伙子说,“没事儿,我是一个程序员”。
那妇女说,“这又怎样?”
程序员说,“我们从来不关心Warning,只关心Error”

两字符串走进一个酒吧坐下,酒保过来,“两位来点什么?”
第一个字符串说,“我要一杯湿啤 fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu。”
“对不起,”第二个字符串对酒保说,“我这哥们没有\0结尾。

为API生,为框架死,为debug奋斗一辈子,吃符号亏,上大小写的当,最后死在需求上

程序员眼中的女人
有的女人就像Windows 虽然很优秀,但是安全隐患太大。
有的女人就像UNIX 她条件很好,然而不是谁都能玩的起。
有的女人就像C# 长的很漂亮,但是家务活不行。
有的女人就像C++,她会默默的为你做很多的事情。
有的女人就像JAVA,只需一点付出她就会为你到处服务。
有的女人就像JAVA script,虽然对她处处小心但最终还是没有结果。
有的女人就像汇编 虽然很麻烦,但是有的时候还得求它。

一百万只猴子,给他们一百万个键盘,其中的一个会写出Java程序,其它的写的都是Perl程序。

十个顶尖软件工程师参加培训管理人员的课程。
老师提出了这样一个问题:“假如你供职的公司是为航空电子设备提供软件的。有一天你乘飞机出差,当你上了飞机后你发现一个牌子上写着这个飞机用的是你的团
队开发的Beta版软件,你会下飞机吗?”
九个软件工程师举了手。
老师看着第十个问道:“你为什么愿意留在飞机上?”
这人回答说:“如果是我的团队写的这个软件,飞机根本无法起飞,根本谈不上坠毁。”

这个笑话大概来自70年代的米国:一个新手在试着修复一台坏了的LISP机器,他的
方法就是反复关上电源然后打开。专家看到之后,严厉地批评说:“你这样是没用
的,你必须要明白出错的深层次原因。”
专家关掉电源,然后打开。运行正常了。

为什么程序员总是分不清万圣节和圣诞节?因为 Oct 31 == Dec 25。

小沈阳版程序员~~~
程序员其实可痛苦的了……需求一做一改,一个月就过去了;嚎~
需求再一改一调,一季度就过去了;嚎~
程序员最痛苦的事儿是啥,知道不?就是,程序没做完,需求又改了;
程序员最最痛苦的事儿是啥,知道不? 就是,系统好不容易做完了,方案全改了;
程序员最最最痛苦的事儿是啥,知道不? 就是,系统做完了,狗日的客户跑了;
程序员最最最最最痛苦的事儿是啥,知道不? 就是,狗日的客户又回来了,程序给删没了!

这个世界上只有10种人:懂得二进制的和不懂得二进制的。

Borland说我很有前途,Sun笑了;Sun说我很有钱,IBM笑了;IBM说我很专业,
Sybase笑了;Sybase说我数据库很牛,Oracle笑了;Oracle说我是开放的,Linux笑
了;Linux说我要打败Unix,微软笑了;微软说我的系统很稳定,我们都笑了。

程序员的祝福
祝大家在以后的日子里. 男生象Oracle般健壮; 女生象win7般漂亮; 桃花运象IE中
毒般频繁; 钱包如Gmail容量般壮大, 升职速度赶上微软打补丁 , 追女朋友像木马
一样猖獗, 生活像重装电脑后一样幸福, 写程序敲代码和聊天一样有**。

一个合格的程序员是不会写出 诸如 “摧毁地球” 这样的程序的,他们会写一个函
数叫 “摧毁行星”而把地球当一个参数传进去。

【 程序猿的三重境界】第一重:无尽bug常作客,困闷调试伴不眠。第二重:千行
代码过,bug不沾身。第三重:编码间,bug灰飞烟灭。

四个2B青年掐架。
A:你丫等着,我爹是敏感词!
B:操你大爷!你丫牛逼神马,我爹在百度索根本无法显示!!
C: 我爹404 not found!!!
D:我爹 Connection Reset !!!!

天冷了,办公室的门上出现了一张告示,赫然写着,“不关门,有BUG”,然后就见
每个出去的程序员,非常虔诚的把门关上了。

程序员找不到对象,一般有三种情况:1、 C# JAVA都有对象,但是经常找不到对象
。2、ASM C直接没有对象。3、javascript都是伪对象,最多算暧昧。但C++日子一
直都好过,因为C++是多继承,富二代呀!!!

汇编,C和C++是好朋友,每天一起吃饭。可是前天晚上C++一个人去吃饭了。问他怎
么了,他说“汇编和C没有对象,他们去过节了。。。

栈和队列的区别是啥? 吃多了拉就是队列;吃多了吐就是栈

CSDN社区网友on1y_1onely留言:“C确实不适合做应用层,C有C的地盘。”网友
zbdbao回复:“就是传说中的C盘么。”当时我就笑喷了……

一个IT经理走进一家拉面馆说:“你们需要客户端吗?” 老板说:“面一般是伙计
端,忙的时候才需要客户端。

一同学问我,软件外包是什么。解释了几句还没明白,遂想了一下:包工头知道吧?顿悟!

正在码代码ing,医院回来的同事一脸的苦逼样子,问他怎么了?他回答:得了类风
湿性关节炎了,我怕会遗传给下一代啊。我一脸的问号:谁说类风湿性关节炎能遗
传的?丫一脸诧异:类不是继承的吗?

世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死,而是你亲手制造的BUG就在你眼前,你却怎么都找不到她。。。

真的勇士,敢于直面惨淡的warning、敢于正视淋漓的error。

成功chroot过很多系统,却从未成功chroot过妹子的心。

某小偷潜入某IT公司欲行窃,没想到始终有人,他只好等啊等啊等,结果始终有一
大拨人在加班。过了一个月,小偷终于逮到机会溜出来,同伙问:去哪了?小偷:
在IT公司呆了一个月。同伙:收获不错吧?小偷苦笑:别TM提了,三十个大夜下来
,我现在已经学会写程序了。

继承,是幸福的延续;重载,是幸福的重生。

一同事最近bug特别多,假装关切问他有多少个bug,他回答:10。过几日,再问,
他回答:10。我:“这么多天过去了,怎么一点变化都没有?”,他:”哪里没有
变化啊,以前是十进制,现在变成十六进制。

假如生活欺骗了你,找50个程序员问问为什么编程;假如生活让你想死,找50个程
序员问问BUG改完了没有;假如你觉得生活拮据,找50个程序员问问工资涨了没有;
假如你觉得活着无聊,找50个程序员问问他们一天都干了什么!

经考证,C语言是女的…原因如下:1.无论你让她干什么,她绝对不可能自己找到方
法。2.总是用复杂的方法解决简单的问题。3.不可能自主认识到本身错误。4.浪费
时间是十分正常的事情。5.无论跟她说什么,都得用她能理解的方式做充分说明。
6.只要你有一点错,她一定可以挑出来。7.反正,是你的错。

必备技能:去得了公司,回得了厨房;不羡慕好车,不想买新房;不惊动腾讯,不
激怒同行;写得了代码,查得出异常;做得出产品,看得准市场;接触过VC,见识
过投行。

如果你的朋友最近没和你联系,要理解!只有三种可能:第一,他死了;第二,他
改行当程序猿了;第三,需求又改了!

某日和同学聊起对象问题,我答道:哥最不缺的就是对象了,要知道哥是程序员,
每天不知道要new多少个对象出来,而且想要啥类型就有啥类型。如果你想要,哥给
你来个for循环嵌套,new上她千个百个

做为一名程序员,我每次看到工资单的时候,都会想:那些数字为神马不是16进制。

一个程序出错信息: Keyboard not found … press F1 to continue

大家喝的是啤酒,这时你入座了。
你给自己倒了杯可乐,这叫低配置。
你给自已倒了杯啤酒,这叫标准配置。
你给自己倒了杯茶水,这茶的颜色还跟啤酒一样,这叫木马。
你给自己倒了杯可乐,还滴了几滴醋,不仅颜色跟啤酒一样,而且不冒热气还有泡泡,这叫超级木马。
你的同事给你倒了杯白酒,这叫推荐配置。
菜过三巡,你就不跟他们客气了。
你向对面的人敬酒,这叫p2p。
你向对面的人敬酒,他回敬你,你又再敬他……,这叫tcp。
你向一桌人挨个敬酒,这叫令牌环。
你说只要是兄弟就干了这杯,这叫广播。
有一个人过来向这桌敬酒,你说不行你先过了我这关,这叫防火墙。
你的小弟们过来敬你酒,这叫一对多。
你是boss,所有人过来敬你酒,这叫服务器。
酒是一样的,可是喝酒的人是不同的。
你越喝脸越红,这叫频繁分配释放资源。
你越喝脸越白,这叫资源不释放。
你已经醉了,却说我还能喝,叫做资源额度不足。
你明明能喝,却说我已经醉了,叫做资源保留。
喝酒喝到最后的结果都一样
你突然跑向厕所,这叫捕获异常。
你在厕所吐了,反而觉得状态不错,这叫清空内存。
你在台面上吐了,觉得很惭愧,这叫程序异常。
你在boss面前吐了,觉得很害怕,这叫系统崩溃。
你吐到了boss身上,只能索性晕倒了,这叫硬件休克。

与女友分手两月有余,精神萎靡,面带菜色。家人介绍一女孩,昨日与其相亲。女孩果然漂亮,一向吝啬的我决定破例请她吃晚饭。
选了一个蛮贵的西餐厅,点了比较贵的菜。女孩眉开眼笑,与我谈得很投机。聊着聊着,她说:“我给你讲个笑话吧。”“ok”
“一只螳螂要给一只雌蝴蝶介绍对象,见面时发现对方是只雄蜘蛛。见面后螳螂问蝴蝶‘如何?’,‘他长的太难看了’,‘别看人家长的丑,人家还有网站呢’。”
“呵呵………”我笑。忽然她问:“你有网站吗?”

系统程序员
1、头皮经常发麻,在看见一个蓝色屏幕的时候比较明显,在屏幕上什幺都看不见的时候尤其明显;
2、乘电梯的时候总担心死机,并且在墙上找reset键;
3、指甲特别长,因为按F7到F12比较省力;
4、只要手里有东西,就不停地按,以为是Alt-F、S;
5、机箱从来不上盖子,以便判断硬盘是否在转;
6、经常莫名其妙地跟踪别人,手里不停按F10;
7、所有的接口都插上了硬盘,因此觉得26个字母不够;
8、一有空就念叨“下辈子不做程序员了”;
9、总是觉得9号以后是a号;

10、不怕病毒,但是很害怕自己的程序;

原文地址:http://blog.csdn.net/qy1387/article/details/7957394

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